High Tech Underwear

Can we talk? About underwear? I mean, don't panic, this isn't going to be racy or anything. I just am so annoyed lately about something...Okay, so I had to go the doctor for a female problem recently, and he suggested I wear only cotton underwear. OH! Thank you soooo much for pointing that out, doctor, I've certainly never been given that panacea solution before! Praise God, you've saved me with your magic voodoo medicine! Oh--no, wait, actually that's crap. Because, excuse me, I've only been told that 98 hundred bazillion times before!!

If you're a woman, you know exactly what I'm talkin' about. And if you aren't, well, let me elucidate...For some reason, doctors are required to give women this cure-all line of crap--Wear Only Cotton Underwear--no matter what the problem is. And the more I think about it, the less sense it makes. I think the original idea, back in cave-dweller days, was that polyester or satin undies don't breathe, that is, they make you sweat, like that evil invention, the Pantyhose (the only good use of which is to wear over your head when you're robbing a convenience store, and really that's not so good because, you know, it's illegal to rob and stuff), and sweating creates a tropical jungle sanctuary for germies to blossom in your pants. So. Western medicine decreed that to save women from themselves, they should not wear those naughty- pretty-stretchy panties, but instead should go for the industrial-strength cotton briefs.

Okay, so maybe cotton was the best option back in cave-dweller days. But excuse me, cotton is not so great, either. Everyone raise their hand who's had to endure sweaty cotton undies during this latest heat wave...Oooh, that's a lot of you! Shocking! And the thing about cotton is, once it gets wet, it doesn't dry out while you're still wearing it. It stays wet. I'll never forget this river guide we had on a white water trip in Colorado. He was very concerned that J. was wearing jeans for the ride. When J. said he didn't have any other pants along, the guide shook his head and looked away, saying in a low voice, "Cotton kills, man. Cotton kills."

Why is it that Western medicine is so freakin' slow to catch up with the times when it comes to women's health concerns? Wah. This is what they should be telling us: Wicking Undies. Yes, you've heard of wicking socks and wicking shirts that wick away moisture (read: sweat) and dry quickly. Well, now there are wicking undies. REI, that mecca of techno clothing, has them in several different styles and brands, no less. I went and bought several today. Spendy little suckers: like we're talking $12 and up, each. But, to misquote Scarlet, "As God is my witness, I will never wear sweaty panties again!"