Yeah, I survived the MRI and got the results back this week and it's not a tumor. Actually, they didn't find anything new, except that some of my spots (technical name: "areas of signal abnormality") from the previous MRI 3 years ago had actually gotten smaller. Well, good. And yet, I am not thrilled. Because of course, this leaves me with no explanation as to why I have had such awful headaches lately. I was doing really well in November, and then New Year's Day I started a steep downhill run.
So my neurologist wants me to go back to physical therapy. I'm just not thrilled about this. It's a lot of work, and often painful. I am shifting my thinking to accepting this migraine thing as a condition I have to work with and adapt to as best I can. And yet. I'm annoyed. I feel like I should be grateful that I can do something about it to make it a bit better. But the truth is, I'm angry and frustrated. It's not really a "why me?" feeling, but, well, maybe it's a stage of grief. For the death of my perfect health. Ok, not perfect, but way better. I want BM back, i.e., Before Migraine. But it ain't gonna happen.
It feels so complicated. I mean, when I look at my life Before Migraine, it was so different. There was no Lily. And yes, my headaches have been much worse since my pregnancy. But she was worth it, dammit. If that was a side effect of having Lily, there's no question in my mind that she's worth it. Maybe I should think of it that way, being grateful for Lily and living my gratitude by adapting to how it is now.
I just can't be cheerful about it all the time. Then I would be a big phony.
For more about how I am adapting to this condition, go to my Mommy Blog...