Get Out of Pain Free Card

I was looking for my Get Out of Pain Free card yesterday when--oh!, I remembered I didn't have one. Too bad, this has been a rough month so far and I could use one. First I had a couple fun infections, one that was so painful I had to go to urgent care in the middle of the night and get asked weird questions by a nurse escaped from the 50's": "So you're okay, it's just your bottom that hurts?" She actually said that. First of all, my bottom is not part of me? Secondly, my BOTTOM? Who are you? I mean, come on, I'm 39 years old fuh chrissake, let's use anatomical terms we all know. Christ. Then the doctor follows with "So, you have abdominal cramps?" Like, he didn't want to really get to the part about my BOTTOM. Then the nurse tried to tell my husband he had to leave the room for my pelvic exam. OH, I THINK NOT. Good Lord, who are these people? At least I was coherent enough to say NO HE'LL BE STAYING. The exam was utter hell, I don't think that doctor is real familiar with female anatomy. But I forgive him because he gave me some Vicadin for the next couple days, and that helped immensely. Then I ran out and was very crabby again. So I go to my regular clinic, and they tell me, oh no, you don't have that infection anymore, now you have this other one. So here's some more medicine for your BOTTOM. No, actually she didn't say that word. But she didn't give me any Vicadin, so I don't like her very much. Okay, so all that fun is done. And I'm feeling pretty good, for oh, a few hours? Then it's that time of the month: no, no, time for the migraine headaches to start. Pooooooo! Okay, but I went to my art group meeting today anyway, and although I forgot to take my sunglasses off, I think I was mostly coherent and I feel much happier now, even if I still have a stinkeroo headache. So there.