Saturday, August 23, 2008

Jon, John, John

Okay, this has nothing to do with art, unless you think dreams are arty, and there's such a thing as love destiny. This post is more like one of my original posts, sort of romantic in an old style way.

Last night I had a long, involved dream about my cousin Jon, who I haven't seen in more than twenty years. I can't believe it's been that long. Actually it was about him and his mom and dad. I've guess they've been in my thoughts a lot lately because his mom just recently died, after battling cancer for several years.

In the dream I'm so happy to see Jon, because I never get to see him (often when his parents visited when I was a kid, he didn't come with, especially as he got older), and I've had a crush on him since I was about 8? 10? years old. He was (is) 2? 4? years older than me. I can't remember which, it seemed like a huge difference at the time. I remember my hot wheels racetrack box had a crooked heart with Carrie + Jon written on it. I think my sister used to tease me about my crush on him, like "he's your cousin, you can't have a crush on him, you weirdo." I don't think she said those words but that was the gist. But I was sure he was my destiny, somehow. I have had dreams about him for years and years, and I'm always trying to get him alone and be kissing him. It sounds silly, but hey, maybe it's a 10-year-old's version of lust. Am I saying this out loud? I can't believe I'm writing this.

Cut to high school. I'm in a horrible relationship with a possessive sex fiend who is a con artist so all my friends and family adore him. I feel totally trapped but getting out of the relationship seems impossible. Junior year we end up going to different high schools and I meet John McConnell, tuba player in band. He saves my life. Bless you, John McConnell, wherever you are. He's the only one who has the guts to tell me that that my boyfriend doesn't deserve me, and shouldn't treat me like he does. The way John treats me makes me ashamed of what I'm putting up with from my boyfriend. And it gives me the confidence to break up with him, which is very difficult. I'll never forget the letters John wrote me, I hope I still have them somewhere. He said he'd treat me like a princess. Yes, he wanted to be my boyfriend. I don't know why but I just wasn't attracted to him that way. And he took it like a man. And remained my friend.

Cut to my bad marraige and separation. I'm living with Karen, a sane friend who, like John Mcconnell, told me in no uncertain terms, that my husband was insane, and that I should not put up with him. Karen introduces me to another John, who she thinks is perfect for me. I don't go for him right away (probably a good sign, since I seem to be a magnet for possessive crazy losers).

Cut to now. I married John and we have a little girl and it's all good. Next month will be our twelve-year anniversary. Now for my whack theory. I think I was always destined to marry a John, to have a family with a John, I just didn't know which John. Was it Jon? I thought so when I was 8. I didn't think it was John McConnell. I didn't know it was this John, not at first, but it came about slowly. And now my destiny is fulfilled. I feel like such a dork admitting this, it's such a superstitious, fairy tale belief. But there it is, and I still believe in it.

And yes, I kissed Jon in the dream last night. Hey, it's just a dream.

1 comment:

Chris said...

I identify with this so much! And I always remember a certain person, and I was in a horrible relationship with a user, too. And those kinds of pivotal things will always stay with you, and sometimes come up at signs of growth or to give you perspective on your life, I really believe that. It's how you know how lucky you really are right now. And feelings are only feelings. They aren't choices. So I try not to feel badly about being in a bad relationship. Because I'm not anymore.
Thanks for the story!